Hello girls, this is going to be a very different post, but I hope you all enjoy reading a little bit about yesterday and today... As you may have seen I havent been blogging since Sunday, and this was mostly because I 've been super busy... And also because I was going to be travelling back to campus/Malmö.I took the bus at like 2 am last night and I was in Malmö at like 6 am today... The reason why I went back to campus is a delicate subject for me... and I 've been avoiding talking about this because I was so ashame of my self for loosing track and focusing on my failure.... So let me just jump into the subject at hand. This summer I was suppose to graduate but the fire to finish my last degree thesis escaped my body and I was only focusing on the fact that I was failing... It was almost like I accepted that I failed before the fight... I know that alot of stuff that were going in my life were pulling me off track and my inner fear for failing took over and yes I fail my first time when I delivered my degree thesis.. I was so focus on how I let everybody down and I was so stuck in a dark dark place that was literally eating me alive. Failing was horrible and I felt like my life/plans were over... I know I didnt show you this in my post, but I bet some of you noticed that I was down... I struggled with my thesis for months... And every time I sat with it that little voice of insecurity was totally setting me up for failure... At the begging I didnt want to talk with my family about what I was feeling... But in the past two months or so I started to open up, and I started to see opportunities and not close doors... I realize that my life wasnt over and I was going to overcome this even though it took longer than I expected... January 3, I turned in my copy of my thesis... I was happy with the thesis and I knew I had fun writing it... In fact I think that was the first time I enjoy writing it... Mostly because I found my real path and direction... Before I was writing but all for the wrong reasons... I wasnt writing for me... I know its hard to understand, but thats how I felt... That little voice of negativity has been around but I notice that its powers have been less effective...
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| On my to my instution from the old station =) |
Last week I got the notice from my teacher that I had an appointment on the 15th to defend my work... My supportive family, friends and my boo were all being positive and they truly made me believe that this time was my time to shine., I knew my work was strong but I still had my doubts... I arrived at Malmö 3 hours before my meeting... I waited on the train station and around 8 I started to walk to the school in the crazy snow storm...
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| My schedule, the cover of my thesis (I wrote about the construction of gender discourse in the UN Security Council Women, Peace and Security Agenda), a happy Mandy walking from my institution(faculty) to the library =) |
I arrive to school where the meeting was taking place and I was the first to arrive.. My hands were sweaty I couldn't stop checking my schedule, to make sure that I wasnt in the wrong place... I felt like I was going to faint, nobody was showing up and my heart was probably about to come up of my chest... but then I saw my teacher, she apologize for the delay/due the storm and all the sudden I was there defending my work in front of another student.... Its weird but I swear that I already forgot all the things that I said... But I do remember her words.... saying:Strong method and theory, strong analysis... job well done! I will never forget this frase: Job well done..There are some references and some language things that the teacher wants me to change but the thesis is strong .... She wasnt able to tell me the grade but her words tell me that I pass!!!
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| 1.2 School Libary and view of what its in front of what used to be my library... 3 top ceiling of the station |
I really cannot believe that I did pass and that she said the things she said about my work... I still cannot believe it... My plans for the future can continue... Doors are still open and now I have the key to move freely... Im glad I went trough all that I went trough this couple of months...It has been eye opening, I learned that this was not the end of me... Failing and overcoming this has been the real lesson... after the storm, the sky start shining and it was time to head home...
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| On the buss =) |
It felt weird leaving knowing that my time in this city is basically over... But Im glad that we end things on a good note... Now Im ready for new challenges... I cannot wait to get my diploma and yes Im not ashame anymore for failing the first time.. Im only sorry for not believing in me from the begining and also for letting the fear to take over...
Im still sitting on the buss and I cannot wait to come home.... With my bachelors degree in International Relations
